Not not a love poem

I don’t write love poems

But maybe I could live them

What were the fairytales growing up

I never knew what was real

Bippoty bopoty boo?

believing in magic so religiously

Or maybe just loving the visual stimulation

I was 10 years old when my brother told me not believe in love as he balled his eyes out

I thought he knew everything, I thought we loved eachother

I thought love was the only truth in this world

His chest tattoo read “all you need is love” and that’s all I felt I had

But I didn’t even believe in it

All I ever knew was my parents marriage

A successful marriage they claim

But if your kids suffer the shortcomings is it really a success?

I miss my moms hugs and the idea of putting my head on my brothers shoulder

I want to believe in love songs but fear touching your hand

I want to allow myself to let go, cry, laugh, moan, cum

I want to stop being afraid, start trusting, stop walking on eggshells that don’t exist, start to relinquish my paranoia

But I can’t help questioning

what will our short comings be? Will it be me? Will I lose myself trying to understand love again

Is that love? Giving yourself up

All you need is love right?

You don’t need a sense of self if you have someone that’s willing to fight for it?

Everyone loves love but do I love me?

Love is an addiction without the label

It’s what keeps me alive

It’s what kills me

It makes me feel stupid and afraid

It’s seeing you happy even if I’m not

It’s running my fingers across your skin

It’s the familiar smell that sneaks into my bed sheets

It’s the smile I can’t wipe off

There’s the nerves

My stomach upside down and empty

but my everything

overjoyed to see you

I fear hugging you, letting myself really hold on

Only to let go

Letting go and really seeing

Seeing if I can put my head on your shoulder and read you this love poem

-Shealyn Shea Lyn