Tits and Balls

I am not this or that or he or she or they or them I am me, and I, and us and we and let’s stop breaking down binaries only to rebuild them

I am not sensitive, I am not stable

I am soft and squishy I am tough and harsh

I am brave while My palms sweat out the fears I’m holding in

I am perfectly on time to be late

I am as open minded as I am skeptical

I have tits and balls

I have freckles in my eyes and stretch marks on my ass

Wrinkles on my hands and baby hairs on my cheeks

I’m under weight and still fat

That pretty boy and that handsome girl

I am not this or that

But maybe I am definitely both

I am both the bully and the victim

I am not afraid I am terrified

Religiously agreeing to disagree

Leaving before I’ve arrived

I’m expired but I still have a Best If used by date

I’m rotten but I have a sweet core

An asexual sex addict

Not a boy or a girl, not a person but a thing, no a concept, or really a distaster

I am the four elements naturally combined to make a materialistic plastic doll made for people pleasing

I’m the addict and I’m the drug you can’t get enough of

I promise I’m taking deep breathes but I can’t promise I’m living

I promise I’m eating but I can’t deny I’m still starving

The sun feels gooey on my skin but I can’t stop staring at the refrigerator light as the milk gets warm and I feel frozen around making a choice

I like when a sound is so loud my brain feels quiet

I hate when my phone dings, and dings and again a buzz, ding, buzz, ding ding again

I despise when you open the door and I’m not alone anymore, I hate being alone, but I hate that someone’s in the next room and I can hear you folding laundry

I love taking photos of you, I hate when you take photos of me, why won’t you take photos of me

I hate that nothing makes sense, I love that I feel impossible, a puzzle always with a missing piece

Lacking consistency feels safe

Lacking reality feels constant

I’m not smart I’m not stupid

I promise you I’m not high, I lost that feeling long ago, I can’t promise I’m all here tho

I’m becoming so healthy I feel sick

-Jaylyn